d9n't y9u wanna 6e sedated?
by Laburnum Steelfang
Summary: "best that you're not procreating, best that you don't multiply" - Troll Matt Groening. (With apologies to Human Emilie Autumn; warnings for surgical horror and dystopian Beforus.)
1. Chapter 1

"Cronus, what on earth possessed you to proposition your own dancestor?"

"Sheesh, I finally find someone who appreciates me and you gotta butt in? Vwhat is vwith you, Vwantas?"

"He's six sweeps old!"

"He is?" Cronus blinked and glanced back in the direction of Eridan, who appeared to be in the middle of a row with Porrim, who was tugging on his scarf. "Huh. Guess he got my dashin' good looks, he looked older... Vwell, he's been in the bubbles a good coupla svweeps after that, does that count?"

Kankri sighed and shook his head.

"Fine, fine," Cronus said, cutting him off before he could begin a lecture. "I'm still goin' out vwith him. Don't look at me like that, I vwon't do anyfin if it gets you so pissed. I dunno vwhy I listen to you, you ain't my moirail." He chuckled and ruffled Kankri's hair. "Guess his looks got the extra sweeps yours missed."

"Excuse me!" Kankri spluttered, drawing himself up to his full height, which resulted in the top of his head being about level with Cronus' elbows. "Commenting on another's physical appearance is extremely offensive and highly triggering, and in this case inaccurate to boot!"

It really wasn't inaccurate, Cronus reflected as Kankri rambled on at him. Apart from being short, Kankri was decidedly plump and round-faced, his hair looked like it was still groomed by a lusus, and the oversized cuddly-looking sweater didn't help. Cronus suppressed the urge to pat his head and watched him babble on until he wore himself out. Kankri's voice was pleasant, light as a babbling brook, and it lulled Cronus into a near-trance.

"Well," Kankri finally said, inhaling deeply after his final run-on sentence. "I'd like to thank you very much for listening to me, Cronus. So few people seem to want to hear any useful information. Now you will remember what I said, yes?"

"Oh. Uh, yes, yes I vwill. I'll certainly... not do vwhat it vwas you told me not to."

Kankri didn't seem to care that Cronus obviously hadn't been listening. "Good, good. Now if you'll excuse me Porrim seems to be choking your dancestor, one of us should probably stop that..." As he spoke he left, Cronus watching him with amusement. The chubby red-clad torso bustling off atop tiny feet gave Kankri the appearance of a balloon in a breeze. Cronus snickered to himself, imagining Kankri's face if he were to ever actually tell him of that comparison.


	2. Chapter 2

"Cronus, far be it from me to trigger you by suggesting I know better than you what to do with your quadrants, but have you ever considered that you and Mituna might do better with an auspistice?"

Cronus scowled and lay back in the grass. "Vwhy? It's not my fault he's incapable of actin' like a normal person."

"'Normal' is a terribly judgmental term, and no it's not, but that doesn't mean your conflict doesn't need to be dealt with." Kankri's usual superior expression dissolved into thoughtfulness. "Yes, I think that may actually be a very good idea. Who could you ask, though? I know that (trigger warning: quadrant flipping) Latula and Kurloz are out, obviously, and I would suggest Meenah but honestly I don't think she's capable of doing anything but causing more conflict-"

"Vwhoa, hey, I'm not gonna ash-zone Meenah!" Cronus snapped, raising a hand. "Seriously, you think I vwant the svweetest piece a' tail in the bubbles in my _conciliatory_ quadrants?"

"Those are important too! If you want two, why not the others?"

"Vwhy'd I vwanna bother vwith either of the loser quadrants? 'Snot like they're gonna get me pailed, not that you'd get that." Cronus smugly hooked his thumbs in his jacket lapels and posed. "Can't deny this to the public, ya knowv."

"Ah, Cronus, I hate to demand you comply to my conversational standards, but I'm feeling rather triggered," Kankri said, squirming where he sat.

"Awv, for fuck's sake, Vwantas, it's _sex._ Most people do it at some point and vwe'wve had like billions a' svweeps to catch up. You ain't got my disadvwantages, people like you! Porrim's all fuckin' ovwer you and I'd bet she'd beg to teach you a trick or tvwo, you'd prob'ly hawve a betta chance vwith Latula than me if her thing for dvweebs is any hint, you could build somefin black vwith Aranea goin' off her fetish for the regime, take off that svweater and Meenah might mistake you for your little clone..."

"Cronus!" Kankri's voice shut him up; Kankri actually sounded angry, for once. "I made a vow of celibacy, I intend to keep it, and it's my own business!"

"If your bulge is your owvn business, howv come my quadrants ain't mine?" Cronus shouted, leaping to his feet. "You're not my fuckin' moirail!"

He stalked away, heading for the lake's edge, muttering to himself "Sheesh, Kankri needs to get laid."


	3. Chapter 3

The date with Eridan was predictably disastrous; Cronus stomped back to his dreambubble hive after it was over, chewing irritably on his unlit cigarette. Sheesh, that had been painful; how whiny and self-absorbed and entitled could a guy get? He couldn't even provoke him enough for a suitable kismesissitude...

Thinking of which, Cronus started musing on Kankri again. He couldn't say a black quadrant with him had crossed his mind before, but it wasn't a terrible idea now he thought about it. Their clash over their respective love and hate lives had resulted in Kankri, amazingly enough, giving him the silent treatment; he'd tried to start conversations over the past few... units of time which had very little meaning in the dreambubbles, given that night and day occurred more or less at random and years could feel like minutes or millennia depending on how bored he was. But anyway, he'd tried to talk to Kankri and earned only a turned back for his pains. Glub, that troll could be irritating when he put his mind to it. Stuck-up little mutant, who did he think he was, disrespecting his Empress-ordained guardians?

Cronus clasped his hands together and grinned gleefully. Yes, this was a great idea! He'd seduce the repressed little shit in no time once he got over being black-zoned - his nagging was on the pale side, but hey, a quadrant was a quadrant. And maybe once Kankri filled a pail he'd be less insufferable. Of course then Cronus would hate him less, but his aim would be achieved by then so who cared? He could deal with that when it happened.

Kankri came by later on, apologising as verbosely as usual for triggering him by ignoring him "because I know (trigger warning, personal issues) how strongly you depend on attention" and how he hoped Cronus had learned his lesson of respecting others' boundaries. Cronus ignored him throughout, facing away from him with arms folded, watching him from the corner of his eye. Kankri, however, barely even seemed to notice. Better try a different approach. He surreptitiously untucked his T-shirt and undid the top button of his fly, tucked his thumbs in his belt both to draw attention and to prevent his jeans actually falling off, and turned around, eyebrows raised suitably. Kankri, however, was in mid-lecture, nose in the air and eyes closed in concentration.

"Hey. Hey, Kan," Cronus interrupted him, snapping his fingers in front of Kankri's nose until the little troll opened his eyes and scowled at him. "Yeah, I'm sure this is all real interesting, but..." He put one hand on Kankri's shoulder. "I'm sure there's more interestin' shit vwe could be doing."

Kankri's eyes widened and he jerked away, going for his whistle. Cronus stepped back, surprised. Sure, he'd done the same thing before but the only reactions he had got were nervousness and irritation from Mituna and a whack round the head the one time he'd tried it on Meenah. Kankri looked as if he thought Cronus was about to kill him. That wasn't hate, that was terror.

"Vwhoa! Calm dowvn, man, cool it!" Cronus raised both hands and backed off further. "Sorry, I mowved too quick, I guess."

"Cronus," Kankri managed to say, his breathing rapid. "Cronus, don't do that. Ever."

"I'm sorry! Shit, I really am." Cronus realised with surprise that he meant it. The thought which had come into his head first was to make sure Kankri was okay. Well, fuck. Still, they did say you should respect your black partners even while harming them, and traumatising them permanently without permission was terrible manners, but still, maybe caring so much was a sign that was a bad move. "Okay, personal space issues, I get it. So I guess that's a trigger. Scary."

"Yes. Yes, it is." Kankri was still shaking. "I... I don't want to go into it, but you know perfectly well that concupiscent actions are not something I wish to discuss, and certainly not something I wish to engage in. What brought this on? I'm usually the only one you _don't_ behave like that around!"

"Just thinkin'," Cronus mumbled. "Evidently not thinkin' enough. Sorry."

"Indeed," said Kankri stiffly, putting his whistle away. "Well, it was nice to get a sincere apology. I don't think we need speak any more of it."

Cronus surreptitiously refastened his fly. "Okay, thanks. I'll not do that again."

Well, he mused, that didn't rule anything out permanently. Just needed to be more subtle.


	4. Chapter 4

Cronus refrained from invading anyone's personal space after that; he didn't want Kankri to see him and undo all his hard work. Actually, it was okay. He and Kankri hadn't had much physical contact before, so he wasn't missing anything, though the desire was there now and it felt like he was. Still, it wasn't like he didn't have time to wait. It'd be worth it. Kankri was so... Meulin had once offended him more deeply than usual by calling him "squishable", and Cronus couldn't think of a better word. He couldn't settle on a quadrant, but frankly any would do as long as he could just get Kankri to acknowledge that he was trying for one. Kankri seemed to be wilfully ignoring his efforts, not merely missing them. Was he that repulsive? He had thought they were friends...

"Cronus!" Kankri's voice interrupted his musings. Today (insofar as that word had meaning in the bubbles) they were inside Cronus' hive, watching a movie. Cronus had gone to more effort than he usually would have done in finding something he thought Kankri would like. He'd picked one with enough scandalous social commentary which had only just got past the censors to keep him happily offended throughout, and with plenty of racy content to keep himself happy and put the idea in Kankri's head. Evidently he'd been wrong, from the expression on Kankri's face. "Cronus, please, can we skip through this part? It's making me uncomfortable."

Cronus looked at the screen; the opening to an obvious bucket scene. Not too detailed, the participants looked happy enough... He couldn't see any problem at all. "Vwhy?"

"None of your business," Kankri said stiffly.

Cronus stared at him, shocked. "Okay, somefin's wrong. Normally you'd go on for hours about shit that offended you."

"Just turn it off!" Kankri snatched the remote and turned the TV off himself. "I don't understand why you're so desperate to make me uncomfortable!"

"Oh for fuck's sake..." Cronus slapped his forehead. "Vwhy are you so stuck-up? Are you seriously _afraid_ of pailing?"

"I don't have to explain my triggers to you!"

"Svweet human Jesus, you need to get fucked! Vwhy don't you at least go make use of that stick up your nook and-"

Kankri interrupted him with an enraged scream rivalling any of Karkat's. "BECAUSE I CAN'T, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, YOU MORON? I CAN'T!"

Before Cronus could react beyond blinking, Kankri leapt to his feet. He hiked up his sweater, kicked off his shoes, and started unbuttoning his ridiculous leggings. This process took quite a while, and by the time he reached the bottom button Cronus was on the edge of his seat wondering what the hell was going on. Kankri kicked off the leggings, holding up his sweater around his waist; he parted his legs and put one foot on the couch, and Cronus' fortunately-unlit cigarette dropped from his mouth.

"You see?" Kankri touched the neat line of scar tissue, marked by little dots where stitches had been long ago, which was all that was left of his nook. He was shaking now, his eyes sparkling with red. He pressed lightly and the useless barely-there stump of his bulge emerged. "There, now you've seen what you wanted."

"Kan... Kanny, kiddo, vwhen'd this happen?"

"I was five. I went for a routine checkup, they found I was maturing, and so I was detained while this was done. I was deemed physically and emotionally unfit to risk breeding, so everything was stripped out and sewn up. Porrim didn't find out until too late, and even if she had it was the law, she could do nothing. I was also deemed too weak to risk more than a local anaesthetic but I solved that problem by fainting, in case you're interested. But why would you be? Go on, make whatever jokes you want. Tell me how wonderful it is that I still have a mouth and a wastechute. Go and cry about how terrible it would be if this had happened to _you."_ Kankri turned his back and picked up his leggings, and shook them out in preparation for putting them back on.

Cold wiry arms swept around him and scooped him up in a tight hug.

"Kankri, shit, I'm so _sorry."_


	5. Chapter 5

Kankri's heels slammed into Cronus' shins, and his arms flailed until Cronus dropped him and backed off. He spun around, prepared to continue screaming, until he realised the seadweller was crouching back slightly, fins folded and hands raised. "I'm sure you are."

"Hey, is it really so hard to beliewve I might care that my friend is hurt?"

"Yes." Kankri straightened his sweater; it came down below mid-thigh. "I'd believe you actually cared if it was anything but this and you hadn't been trying to seduce me for weeks - yes, I noticed."

"Kankri, please..." Cronus extended a hand, which Kankri ignored. "Look, vwhaddya say we go talk to Aranea? She can fix it nowv, and maybe she'll shut up about howv great it vwas back home if-"

"I can't _tell_ her!" Kankri said, twisting away and gripping the hem of his sweater protectively. "I... I can't." Tears leaked from his eyes. "I want to but I can't, every time I try I just dry up and I can't bear to say anything."

"Sorry. So, uh, that's a trigger?"

"Aheh. Yes."

"Then I vwon't talk about it," Cronus said, picking up Kankri's leggings and offering them to him. "If it upsets ya that much, I promise I'll nevwer mention pailin' or anyfin related in front of you again." At Kankri's expression of surprise, he chuckled drily. "Not like I got much to brag about there anyvways. Look, I didn't evwen vwanna admit it but you're important to me, 'kay? I vwant you to be okay."

"Well!" Kankri said, sniffed hard, and re-dressed himself, hiding his secret again. "Well, thank you. I don't think it's necessary to go that far. Though I admit that if circumstances in which you need advice on that topic come up I probably won't be of much help, but you can certainly tell me you need advice and I'll find someone who can."

"Hey, you're admittin' you don't knowv evweryfin! I _am_ good for ya. Okay, chief, I'll tell ya vwhat vwe're gonna do," Cronus said. He eased Kankri back onto the couch and gently rested his hands on the small troll's shoulders. "You're gonna vwait here vwhile I build a pile, then vwe're gonna sit in it, and since vwe're dead and vwe don't gotta get up to eat vwe can stay there as long as it takes till you beliewve me vwhen I say I care about you."

Kankri smiled weakly. "I thought you weren't my moirail? In fact, I thought you didn't want one?"

"Yeah, vwell." Cronus shrugged. "Vwe're dumb enough to listen to each other."


End file.
